Chuck Norris Jokes

I have no idea where this originated, but it is hilarious.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.

Okay, then I went to Google, typed in Chuck Norris, and clicked I’m feeling lucky which took me to a page with lots more one-liners…

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

LOL. I just realized that I misspelled it “churck norris” after reading this post: “Obviously reading comprehension is missing on a lot of people here. I know who Chuck Norris is, I was wondering who Churck Norris is.” Wow. It’s time for sleep.

308 Responses to “Chuck Norris Jokes”

  1. Mr. Peaches says:

    What’s the last thing to go through your mind when Chuck Norris is killing you? His boot.

  2. pueblo says:

    The only thing Chuck norris is afraid of is the power that comes from his own round house kick

  3. Sean (Ginger) says:

    Did u know the the Boogie man checks his closet for Chuck Norris!

  4. norris says:

    chuck norris can unscramble an egg

  5. Michael says:

    If the world blow up, two things would be left! Ash & Chuck Norris!

  6. Meesha says:

    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

  7. Neil says:

    Very funny!!! Hahahahaha! I wonder if the real Chuck reads these.

  8. billybob says:

    Chuck Norris is so ugly that hes ugly

  9. Chuck Norris says:

    If anyone of you leaves your house after reading these, I will Kill you and eat your first born

  10. pootili says:

    Chuck Norris does not wear a watch, he decides what time it is

  11. Chucky says:

    Chuck Noriss was filming a movie about Moses and how he gave water to the jews. The producers didn’t give Chuck a staff, so he roundhouse-kicked a dry stone and the hole film-plato was floded.

  12. Chucky says:

    Norris stated that he would only star in a Lord of the Rings sequel if they’d change the name in “The Lord of the THINGS”

  13. austin meyer says:

    chuck norris does not sleep he waits

  14. samuel says:

    if at first you dont succeed, you are obviously not chuck norris

  15. swily says:

    Chuck Norris once got an F from his teacher, and then he round-house kicked her in the head. She didn’t suffer from external bleeding, she suffered from Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris slapped the doctor when he was born.

    My friend Bobby made a chuck norris joke, left his house, and went missing.

    Did you know that chuck norris ate his kids.

    the atomic bomb didnt go off, chuck norris farted.

  16. billy chucks alot says:

    chuck norris’ mom was pregnet for 2 months.

  17. poop says:

    chuck noris eats glass and craps medicine

  18. poop says:

    chuck norris is a combination of god,satin,jesus,lusifer and jackie chan

  19. poop says:

    chuck norris could one shot a hippy from a mile away

  20. poop says:

    chuck norris dosent use a microwave he just stares at things

  21. Dylan J. says:

    -Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
    -Chuck Norris’ beard is actually composed of all 118 elements in the periodic table.
    -Water actually boils faster when Chuck Norris is watching it.
    -Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
    -When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

    If you like these I have a few more on my myspace blog. Check it out. Leave a comment.
    http://www.myspace.com/jobiewonkenobie

  22. poop says:

    when chuck norris was born yoda started saying “use the norris”

  23. poop says:

    once chuck noris was at an aquarium and a fish gave him a bad look, he drowned the fish

  24. Boltman says:

    Shit doesn’t happen…Chuck Norris does.

    A meteor didn’t hit the Yucan Pennisula and kill all the dinosaurs…Chuck Norris just farted!

    When Chuck Norris says “Shit” … You fill your pants instantly.

    Chuck Norris goes trick or treating as Chuck Norris.

  25. McSmiles says:

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity! Twice! There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris got cold so he turned the sun up. Chuck Norris doesn’t need a watch, he decides what time it is. Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.