Chuck Norris Jokes

I have no idea where this originated, but it is hilarious.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.

Okay, then I went to Google, typed in Chuck Norris, and clicked I’m feeling lucky which took me to a page with lots more one-liners…

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

LOL. I just realized that I misspelled it “churck norris” after reading this post: “Obviously reading comprehension is missing on a lot of people here. I know who Chuck Norris is, I was wondering who Churck Norris is.” Wow. It’s time for sleep.

308 Responses to “Chuck Norris Jokes”

  1. Bruce Lee says:

    Thanks for posting my jokes

  2. TJ says:

    Chuck norris doesnt sleep with guns under his pillow, guns sleep with chuck norris under their pillow!!

  3. Bruce Lee says:

    A man once called Chuck Norris and said ‘I sleep with 2,000 women a month!’ He said ‘I call that a slow Tuesday!’

  4. mikegingery says:

    if you can spell chuck norris at scrable you win……..for life

  5. Annie says:

    The big bang theory didn’t really happen, Chuck Norris sneezed.

  6. Annie says:

    Chuck Noris doesn’t have friends, he has admirers

  7. DOODE says:

    chuck norris is the real reason why osama is hiding

  8. Ben says:

    chuck norris doesn’t write letters, letters assemble themselves in fear.

  9. Steve says:

    Where did Chuck Norris get his fighting skillz?…… its to dengerous to ask that question.

  10. Valiant King says:

    mont rushmore was not created by hammers and chizels…..but from a bunch of round house kicks to the face by chuck norris!!

  11. Nick says:

    B.C. actually stands for before Chuck. A.D. still stands for after death, but only because Chuck Norris invented death when he was born.

  12. dN says:

    a man once asked chuck norris if his real name is “charles” chuck norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded

  13. mark says:

    Chuck Norris can turn wine into water

  14. Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris! says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t buy clothes…he wills them to form around him!

    Chuck Norris can jump so high that he clears the gravity!

  15. Dracula says:

    I have a belly-button named chuck norris

  16. T Mac says:

    Chuck Norris parted the Red Sea with a round-house kick

  17. Harpdizzly says:

    Chuck Norris does not think, he round-house kicks you while thinking he is going to round-house kick you.

  18. yea thats right says:

    Who Invented the Milf, Chuck Norris

  19. JOHN says:

    chuck norris does not lift weights weights lift chuck norris

  20. Crunchy Diarrhea Master says:

    Chuck Norris shot the sherrif and the deputy

  21. Alexander says:

    Chuck Norris doesn’t have AIDS but he gives it to people anyways.

  22. sam says:

    Number 2 on Google now. You’re amazing!

  23. hahahahahahaha says:

    Chuck Norris thinks people should stop reapeating the jokes, and they’re not jokes anyway, they actually happened

  24. hahahahahahaha says:

    but seriously, stop repeating the jokes, its only funny if you hear it the first time

  25. yamotha says:

    Chuck Norris was once in a rap battle with eminem, eminem let chuck win, in fear of a round house