Chuck Norris Jokes
I have no idea where this originated, but it is hilarious.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.
Okay, then I went to Google, typed in Chuck Norris, and clicked I’m feeling lucky which took me to a page with lots more one-liners…
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
LOL. I just realized that I misspelled it “churck norris” after reading this post: “Obviously reading comprehension is missing on a lot of people here. I know who Chuck Norris is, I was wondering who Churck Norris is.” Wow. It’s time for sleep.
Chuck Norris found nemo
One night Chuck Norris was eating his usual supper of nails and bolts, ten hours later when he took a dump he shot off a hundred rounds killing everyone in his building, and chuck norris lives on the top floor.
god bless chuck norris
Chuck norris made day and night…he ran around the world 100 times
chuck norris has NEVER missed a jeperdy question,
jesus has missed two.
Chuck norris dosnt do karatie
chuc norris is karatie.
ha ha ha you are all jelous because i am a 10 year world champion roundhouser. all of you beware for when you leave your house youl never enter it again
-Chuck
Chuck Norris doesn’t stop at red lights. The lights kindly waits on yellow until Chuck Norris Passes.
chuck norris is so great that he can get a fork…………. in a spoon factory while he roundhouse kicks all th spoons so he can telepathikly bend them back to place
I dont appreciate this. Each and everyone of you will be FOUND AND ROUNDHOUSED!!
Didn’t think the real thing ever read these huh? Well guess what kids, YOURE DEAD!!
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, chuck norris can round house kick you YESTERDAY!!!
The real story behind the vice presidents hunting accident:
The vice president went hunting and shot at the first thing he saw move. Unluckily the thing moving wasn’t a bird but rather a person. Luckily it was Chuck Norris who stopped all the shotgun pellets by just glancing in the general direction they were coming from. That other guy they thought got shot was actually roundhoused by Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris thought that that guy had shot the gun off. (The vice president had taken off as soon as a glimpse of Norris’s widely feared mullet came into view.) You probably didn’t hear about this because everyone involved was scared out of their wits to tattle tale on Chuck Norris.
It is not Chuck Norris; it is THE Chuck Norris. And it is not the pronounced “thu”; it is the pronounced “THEE”(Be careful, you will be roundhoused if you don’t call THE Chuck Norris “THE Chuck Norris”.)
Two facts from Chuck Norris’s childhood:
1. In second grade, Chuck Norris’s classmates told on him.
2. In third grade, Chuck Norris had no classmates. I wonder why?
(If youre still wondering, here is a third fact:
3. In the summer between 2nd and 3rd grade, the police also mysteriouly found 30 kids with bootprints in their face.)
How do they make butter? Well they just have Chuck Norris look at milk.
Ghandi was so peaceful, Chuck Norris killed him
Dont be surprised when all of you wake up with a bootprint in your face!!
Chuck Norris doesn’t have nightmares, he invented them
Chuck Norris can save you more money on your car insurance than geico
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a cell phone, he just shouts and everyone listens
Whoever said the devil is the ruler of hell is wrong. The devil rules a place for a bunch of bad dead people. Chuck Norris is real Hell and no one can rule him.
Chuck Norris “ain’t neva scared”
boxing is just a cheap imitation of Chuck Norris playing patty cake with himself
chuck norris consumes feces for fun and rapes jewish people because they hate karate
*When Chuck Norris ordered diet water at a restaurant he got it.
*You know how cops sleep with guns?In this case guns sleep with Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris doesn’t laugh…He has other people laugh for him
*Chuck Norris doesn’t pay hookers…Hookers pay Chuck Norris
*When Norris takes a shit it becomes a collectors item
*Chuck Norris is so hung if he whipped his dick out you’d drop dead
chuck norris was once shot… he caught the bullet and round house kicked it back to the man… killing him instantly
On a scale of 1 to 10, Chuck norris kicks ass.
Why couldnt god come down to earth, Chunck Norris wouldnt let him.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat soup with a spoon he uses a fork.
when chuck norris’ mom had him a foot came out of her belly from a round house kick!!!